...Or take pictures.
...Or think about my non-existent race season.
And while my own personal grief has been hard, I know it is nothing compared to what the families of Our Fallen Marines are going through.
The sad truth: we are a nation at war. I found this quote by Clausewitz while rifling through one of Nathaniel's military history books. It reads:
"War is the continuation of politics by other means."
I think even Nathaniel was surprised to find his Clausewitz book in bed long after I had fallen asleep.
For the troops deployed and on the ground in a war zone, war looks very different from what I've seen and experienced on the home front. Yet the two are one and the same. Because in the end - we are all human.
At times like this, I want to believe in the best of people, that human nature is inherently good, and that everything will be okay. But I've learned - especially after attending two military funerals in three days - that it isn't always the case.
I've questioned my faith - because if there was a God, then how come horrible things happen? - and mourned our squadron's loss of innocence...of believing that everything will be okay. Because how can it - after this? After everything else that has happened? All while grieving for friends whose husbands were killed, whose young children will grow up never knowing their fathers.
I'm not a fan of politics, and at this point - am insulted when people assume that I support ___________________ because we are a military family. Yes, my vote typically cancels out the vote of my husband - however, as a professional Marine, he keeps his political beliefs separate from his military duty. And as his spouse, I support him because I love him and am so proud of him, not a political ideology.
So while I pick up the pieces of my life, I do so with a heavy heart. I wish that those who make decisions about war, could somehow actually be able to personally experience the grief and sadness it causes. It's easy to make a political statement when you have never met and will never know the people (and their families) who serve in our armed services. They are more than statistics, more than just numbers.
And yes, I am totally realistic: I KNOW that there are very bad people in this world. I understand that - and I know these people do very bad things. That is undisputed.
And therein lies the conflict. What do we do and how do we go about doing it?
I am grateful for those brave and courageous souls who choose to serve our country. Because our freedom, our way of life, is based on their selfless sacrifice.
But it's heartbreaking to see and experience the aftermath of lives lost. My jury is still out on that one - and I don't think it's something I'll ever fully understand. As someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, these past two weeks were some of the most difficult of my life. I want to believe that everything will be okay, that life and all things GOOD will prevail - but I know firsthand that that's not always the case. I am mourning our loss.
But most importantly, I just want my sun to return. The May Grey became June Gloom, which morphed into the July Sigh. I know that my sun is somewhere above the fog of August - and I'm trying to make myself believe that it's rays will reach me once again.
I don't know what else to do. I just don't know anymore.