Monday, August 9, 2010

Airing it out~

These past few weeks have been busier than I thought, and - quite frankly - really tough. And it's totally true, that when one finds oneself in a time of crisis, the propensity to surround oneself with others going through the same "Total Shit Time" is great. I just haven't had the heart to write, as my own heart has been broken.

...Or take pictures.

...Or think about my non-existent race season.

And while my own personal grief has been hard, I know it is nothing compared to what the families of Our Fallen Marines are going through.

The sad truth: we are a nation at war. I found this quote by Clausewitz while rifling through one of Nathaniel's military history books. It reads:
"War is the continuation of politics by other means."

I think even Nathaniel was surprised to find his Clausewitz book in bed long after I had fallen asleep.

For the troops deployed and on the ground in a war zone, war looks very different from what I've seen and experienced on the home front. Yet the two are one and the same. Because in the end - we are all human.

At times like this, I want to believe in the best of people, that human nature is inherently good, and that everything will be okay. But I've learned - especially after attending two military funerals in three days - that it isn't always the case.

I've questioned my faith - because if there was a God, then how come horrible things happen? - and mourned our squadron's loss of innocence...of believing that everything will be okay. Because how can it - after this? After everything else that has happened? All while grieving for friends whose husbands were killed, whose young children will grow up never knowing their fathers.

I'm not a fan of politics, and at this point - am insulted when people assume that I support ___________________ because we are a military family. Yes, my vote typically cancels out the vote of my husband - however, as a professional Marine, he keeps his political beliefs separate from his military duty. And as his spouse, I support him because I love him and am so proud of him, not a political ideology.

So while I pick up the pieces of my life, I do so with a heavy heart. I wish that those who make decisions about war, could somehow actually be able to personally experience the grief and sadness it causes. It's easy to make a political statement when you have never met and will never know the people (and their families) who serve in our armed services. They are more than statistics, more than just numbers.

And yes, I am totally realistic: I KNOW that there are very bad people in this world. I understand that - and I know these people do very bad things. That is undisputed.

And therein lies the conflict. What do we do and how do we go about doing it?

I am grateful for those brave and courageous souls who choose to serve our country. Because our freedom, our way of life, is based on their selfless sacrifice.

But it's heartbreaking to see and experience the aftermath of lives lost. My jury is still out on that one - and I don't think it's something I'll ever fully understand. As someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, these past two weeks were some of the most difficult of my life. I want to believe that everything will be okay, that life and all things GOOD will prevail - but I know firsthand that that's not always the case. I am mourning our loss.

But most importantly, I just want my sun to return. The May Grey became June Gloom, which morphed into the July Sigh. I know that my sun is somewhere above the fog of August - and I'm trying to make myself believe that it's rays will reach me once again.

I don't know what else to do. I just don't know anymore.

22 comments:

Molly said...

I'm sorry for everything you are going through. I wish I could just give you a hug!

Beth said...

Ugh. Wish I could give you a big hug too Marit. Hoping your sun shines brightly through soon.

SSB said...

So sorry you have to go through this. It sucks. Let me know if you need to talk. Hugs!

Jennifer Yake Neuschwander said...

I'd like to say something more positive I can only find irony. May gray, June gloom, and in August it is determined to be the coldest summer on record in 100 years.

ADC said...

You know, it does get better. We somehow learn to live without those friends and with the constant grief in our hearts. It does not mean we forgot them, because we never will. They are just waiting for us in a better place.

You know I absolutely HATE it when people come to me and say We (as a country) should not be there. I just want to scream at them. That does not mean that I am supporting any side in the politics, it means that I value and respect what our boys and girls are doing out there. We may not agree with it, but we are grateful and proud of what they do for us. Our husbands are HEROES and noone will ever tell me otherwise.

TriGirl Kate O said...

Much love and hugs!
ko

San said...

You know this is the one thing that always bothered me. Why is it always other people who have to go to war than the politicians who decide over it?! Why is it always normal people who get hurt or even worse die over some stupid points of view. We have come so far and still there is so much war out there! And for what?!

I often said put all the political leaders into one room with whatever weapons they want. And if they kill each other fine, as long as the rest of us can live in peace!

There are tons of conflicts out there that are just plain old (some have gone on for thousands of years), it's time to get over it!!! This goes for the fights in Israel and Iran, this goes for the african tribes, this goes for Korea, Myanmar and all the others.

This is the 21. century, so get over it!!!

Marit, I know there is so much war out there and it sucks, but we have come a long way and I really believe that we will get our act together! There have been huge changes over the last decades and I think those changes have been changes for the better. The political elites lose their grip thanks to the internet and there are more and more people who are fed up with how things are going. Someday soon the critical mass will be reached and then its bye bye to the warleaders!!
If you need something to cheer you up, watch "Meet the Robinsons", it helps me.

Alili said...

So very well written. Thinking of you and those living the reality of war...thankful for their courage.

cherelli said...

Hi Marit, Again a well written post though obviously 2010 has not been overall a good year for the big stuff (maybe those little rays of sunshine like friends, opportunities to catch up, go hiking, spending time with N add up to a lot, though the big stuff can obscure the sun)...but I like what ADC says though it's hard to accept as the person still grieving - that those people really do live on in your heart and your life has been blessed by having had them as part of it for a while. I hope the sunshine starts to break up the cloud for you soon (literally and figuratively!), take the time to treasure those closest to you. Best wishes.

GoBigGreen said...

WE had a summer like that last year, and it sure adds insult to injury. Hang in there my friend, and know that you are loved and have alot of support and prayers coming your way.

Wish i could bring you home for a few weeks. Hit Lake superior for a cold dip.:)

Rebecca DeWire said...

You have been through so much. And the sacrifices that military families make is truly beyond my comprehension.

Herrad said...

Hi Marit,
Your sun will shine again.
Love,
Herrad

Melissa said...

Marit,

I struggle with faith and God when such bad things happen to good people too, it doesn't make any sense and is impossible to wrap my head around. Even after 9 years, I still am trying to figure out why such a great young person was taken away in such a horrible horrible manner. I don't think that answer will ever come, but with time the tears in the heart start to heal...not disappear, but just heal. I just put faith in the idea that there is a greater purpose for these things, and that we just aren't meant to understand but instead have to just accept.

I'm so sorry for you, Nathaniel, and especially for the families of the two that were killed. I've been thinking of you and I hope that sun has started to poke it's head through the gloomy clouds. And if not quite yet, I hope you have the September Sunnies.

Ryan said...

Hmmph!

Must be about the half point of the tour?

It gets better, the sun comes up tomorrow, and soon you'll be snuggling :-)

Take care of yourself Marit!

We are the kindred spirt... and I'm the "flaming" liberal aboard Marine Corp Base Camp Lejeune. Yep! I'm the one.

Teresa said...

I pray for brighter days with you! hugs.

tn

Jennifer Harrison said...

Thinking of you & Nathaniel!! The sun will shine again, it always does!

Nicole @ Geek Turned Athlete said...

Know that I'm thinking about you and the families that gave the ultimate sacrifice.

Random Sidenote: I actually had to go a luncheon only for D.O. and commander spouses yesterday, and was totally bored. That is beside the point. I opened my mouth and of course was surrounded by AF pilots who were talking crap about marine wives. Why does it have to be that way? Well, I thought about you, and put them in their place. We all need to stick together to support each other.

I probably won't get invited to go back, but I don't care!

Heidi Austin said...

sending lots of hugs your way marit.... hope that things get better. it's a tough sacrifice and i'm thankful that our husbands fight this battle on a daily basis. sometimes i almost feel selfish anyway let me know if if you need anything girl!

much love from your fellow military spouse friend

Laura said...

Hugs Marit! And here's to believing in peace and sun in August!

Midwestern Dot said...

You pose many important life questions. Sometimes the best thing to do when you don't know is just to escape reality (in a safe manner...no drinking) for just a short while and come back with a new, refreshed outlook and strength. Or you could come visit Prison City, TX and we could eat lots of peanut butter and chocolate! I hope things improve soon!

Mary Bradbury said...

You wrote this so incredibly well, thoughts many of us have. Until the sun comes back, may you find some peace in the simple pleasures of life.

Hugs,
Mary

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