Humbug!

I'm generally a happy-go-lucky kind of person. More often than not, the glass is half full, and I'm raring to go. At times, it's difficult to hold me back. Case in point: as a little kid, I used to run around the backyard, in circles around my Mom's beautiful flower arrangement. Naked. Happy-go-lucky kid, life is beautiful, all that sort of stuff.

Today just wasn't one of those days.

And yes, I realize that we can't all be like this. The glass isn't always half full, and the grass isn't always green. But the point is, is that there's still liquid in the glass and the grass (hopefully) isn't dead, yet.

I think my funk today has stemmed from this past week of stress. It was inevitable that it would finally catch up to me: I've been so busy with other things, with the rest of my life, that I really haven't had the time to sit down and process everything. Part of that is my own doing: I don't want to face the sadness, to face the unanswered questions, to face the demons that poke their fiery heads through my conscious brain from time to time.

But today I was exhausted. No other way to describe it. 6, yes 6! cups of coffee did nothing to wake me up. After a routine doctor's appointment at 10, I headed home with the intention of a quick nap before undertaking my workouts for the day. I was tired, and the couch - with the comfy IKEA pillows and goose-feather down comforter - looked so inviting. I darkened the shades, flipped on classical music and settled in for what I thought would be a quick nap. Tabbitha joined me on the couch, and we were soon fast asleep, sawing logs.

3 hours later.... Nathaniel came home from school and asked if I was okay. At first I was confused, groggy, and trying to get my contacts unstuck my my eyeballs (don't you hate it when that happens! Aaakk! Very annoying), but gradually came too. It turned out that I had "napped" for nearly 3 and a half hours! HOLY COW! What's going on?

After some brooding and self-reflection, it finally hit me. Even though Babi Val wouldn't want me to be sad, I'm still suffering from her recent death. I am sad, and to say otherwise would be dishonest to myself and untrue to her memory. And my grief has appeared in the form of fatigue. My body is telling me something, and I don't want to listen. I want to keep going, to keep moving, to keep doing. But my body is urging me otherwise. In the end, I'm glad that my body took control and my mind was silenced.

I was supposed to bike and run today, and while I would have loved the workout, sometimes life just happens. I've done the best that I can in keeping true to the workouts Memo gives, and following the program to the best of my ability. But that's just how life is: we get a monkey-wrench thrown at us from time to time. And we just have to deal. Like my erg story yesterday: it's not always easy, but we keep going nonetheless.

So instead, I took it easy. I let my body, my mind relax. I accepted my grief, my sadness as part of the process. And that's okay, because it's how I'm feeling. I wish I could say that I knew when it will go away, but just like training at a high intensity, or high volume, it isn't so easy to shut these emotions, these feelings off.

The interesting thing I noted, was that while I was sad, and moping about with my glass-is-nearly-empty approach, other things that weren't usually annoying, seemed to become nearly unbearable.

First, the football game I was so looking forward to isn't on TV. Packers vs Cowboys. What the heck? Yes, I realize I'm a relative "newbie" to the big wide world of football, but my Green Bay fanatic husband has patiently explained every aspect of the game, so much so that I actually enjoy watching football.

I'll repeat: I actually ENJOY watching football!

Am I attentive the entire game? No way! I'll usually write or read in the background. But I do enjoy watching the teamwork, watching the rushing game, enjoying the beauty of the passes, and seeing the tremendous amount of teamwork these players have to endure in order to perform at their best. Yes it's a brutal game, one that I never though I would enjoy. But I still get a kick out of it... and it's quality time that Nate and I get to spend together.

So when we learned that only Dish Network was carrying the game, we were furious! I think I was more upset than Nathaniel. (Tomorrow he's got a test for helicopters, so his foremost focus is on the test... but he has the amazing ability to study while watching the game. Incredible). I was looking forward to reading the blogs of fellow triathletes, catching up on the news, and doing some writing of my own.

Humbug!

Score 2 for Marit's disappointment.

Then while channel surfing a few minutes ago, I discovered that "National Treasure 2" (National Treasure 1" being one of my favorite movies!) isn't coming out on the 7th like I thought. Instead I'll have to wait another 2 whole weeks until the 21st of December.

Humbug!

To add onto everything else, the weight training kicked my rear, and my hamstrings are both sore. So much that I don't want to run today or tomorrow... I am afraid that they'll get worse. And believe me, the last thing I want to do over the next few weeks is be out of the pool and out of running. Not a good combination. Usually my hamstrings are okay, but I think its the combination of weight training for the first time in several weeks, combined with my lack of flexibility ( hey, with no training I was doing no flexibility work. Two words: big mistake!). So while I've set up an appointment with my brilliant massage therapist who always works wonders n my body, I'm still a little anxious.

Triple Humbug.

And finally, while I'm jumping out of my skin to go home for the holidays, the idea of spending two weeks with our families and away from my bike/usual training routine is beginning to make me a little nervous. Rationally, I know that it's not a big deal. What the hey? I can cross train, and there are plenty of local gyms. And let's be honest, it won't kill me to take it easy through the holidays before I start again in earnest. But the irrational part of me - the part that whispers doubts and sheds light on my fears - is doing her best to make me nervous.

Quadruple Humbug.

So I guess what I learned from this day is that I tend to "catastrophize" things (is that even a word?) IE, when one thing goes wrong, everything else seems to fall out of place as well. Bloody Dish TV network!

But that's also the awesome part: I recognize this. I realize what I'm doing, and I can take steps to change it.

Just tomorrow, though.

Tonight, I'll read and enjoy another glass of wine. Tomorrow I'll head out for a great ride with Ludi and jump back in the pool (yea!). I'll probably still be a little sad, a little tired - but I'll recognize the symptoms and realize that I'm learning about myself more and more each day. And the wild little girl in me will come out again - just not naked. (Phew!)

She does, after all, like to jump off the high dive.