Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Status Update: Home and De-Clotting!

First of all - let me start off by saying that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Rosemary Mint Shampoo from Aveda. And let's throw in the Rosemary Mint Conditioner as well, because that stuff is also golden. I washed my hair no less than three times while taking one shower, yesterday at home.

Yes, you are reading correctly...AT HOME.

My Sunday July 4th release didn't come to pass. My pesky INR # didn't cooperate the way it was supposed to. Luckily, the next day I got to do my 'Happy Dance' when my number shot up to 2.2. I may have hugged my doctor, but I'm not 100% positive. Sure, I may be on a mega dose of Coumadin (for my body weight)....but no matter. I would rather pump myself full of the stuff and NOT suffer another blood clot to the heart and lungs.

Suffice to say, there will be NO running with scissors for the next few months.

But bottom line: I'm home, I'm getting healthy, and I'm finding creative ways to stay happy.

I know that my life is going to change dramatically over the next few months. But pretty soon, the things that I do on a daily basis that I have to THINK about, will slowly become integrated into my regular schedule.

Example?

Let's just say that I've got a standing order to get my blood drawn.

I know for a fact that my veins rejoiced from NOT having to give blood today. I managed to eek out of blood drawing tomorrow, but my ticket comes up on Thursday. And that's okay...because I know that I won't be able to be comfortable NOT knowing what my INR number is.

Remember that thing? That INR thingy?? Summary: the body's ability to clot blood, as recognized on an international scale. I'm supposed to stay between 2.0 and 3.0 - but diet has a HUGE affect on the counts.

Other bits?

Well - I've begun to wrap my brain around the fact that I'm NOT racing this season. No races. Nada. First thing - it's just not safe. Let's put the shark thing aside - the bruising and contact on the swim, potential for bike crash and bleeding associated with the ride, and then the wear and tear on the run.

And let's not even mention the giant calf-to-groin clot I've still got in my right let. It's NOT gone yet... and I'm still trying to figure out how to function and go through my daily (MODIFIED) routines knowing that another major chunk could break off, travel through my body, and kill me.

There - I said it.

(And 170+ heart rate certainly would NOT help me...higher heart rate = more pressure = more demand for blood = greater likelihood of clot breaking free).

I'm terrified of that.

But every time I think about that, I try to remind myself that TONS of people have taken blood thinners and survived Deep Vein Thrombosis and Pulmonary Embolisms. And that my doctors would NOT have released me if they didn't think I was safe... so for now, I have to trust. Trust the system, trust my doctors, trust the medicine, trust the history of success.

Trust my faith.

Dude - I don't even trust Nathaniel when he drives down the 5. And at least THEN I can yell - oops tell - him to SLOW DOWN. And he usually listens. (Although, I can totally pull the "I survived a major PE, and I refuse to be killed in a car crash due to your reckless driving" card.)

I wish I could yell at my blood clots, "Out! Out damned spot, out I say!" Err - I meant "clot".

OUT! OUT DAMNED CLOTS, OUT I SAY!

But I was thinking about this the other day - and can you tell I've been doing a lot of thinking? - and I finally decided that trusting that I am going to be okay with my medication and doctors, is SORT of like trusting Coach Jen and my training right before the start of a BIG race.

And so far...I've never NOT been ready for a race...so - that's a good thing. Right?

Right.

Absolutely.

Other things have been permeating through my mind as well - and I think any athletically minded person who faces a long layoff from competition, shares these same thoughts. It's the idea that I can stay in shape and NOT race...I don't have to train for something, in order to be healthy...in order to be happy...and I don't need to focus on RACE goals in order to make 2010 a productive year.

As a highly competitive person - this is hard for me. Knowing that I can still be "Marit" without racing, and without training for racing.

I think that my bouts with sinusitis and pneumonia helped prepare me - but I NEVER though it would be for something like this.

But, when I get the clearance to start up with light exercise, it will be more along the lines of walking, easy swimming (NO Masters yet), light hiking, and indoor biking. And...I've reconciled that I'm okay with this. I may not like it, and there will be times when I know I'll feel sad when I see someone running really fast down Pacific Coast Highway - but at the end of the day, racing and triathlon will always be there. And if I give this blood clot an opportunity to break off, I may not.

And I know myself - and I know how tough things got in 2008 after my bike crash when I couldn't race, yet I kept expecting myself to return to top form like nothing had happened. Something did happen - something really REALLY big did happen. And it was silly of me to expect that I could get back on the horse without changing my outlook.

Instead, I grew increasingly depressed, sad, and trapped in a horribly cycle of grief. I was angry - but refused to admit it. The denial was everywhere and with everything that I did. And I bargained with the best of them.

Then again, hindsight is 20-20, and that's one of the many lessons I learned from 2008. I'm not upset or mad about anything that happened that year - because even though bits of it were totally horrible, I emerged on the other a much happier and healthier person. It was very hard, yes - but I learned so much more about ME, and how I work, than I would have had I never gone through it.

I may be able to control how I react and look at a situation, true. On the flip side - sometimes life hands you a steaming turd. And it sucks. Big time.

With this new and unexpected journey in 2010, I KNOW that there will be days that I'm totally bummed. I'll cry, I'll get mad, I'll be pissed - and I'll also be scared. I'm prepared for that and I know it will happen. And anyone who has gone through a very scary thing will probably feel the same way.

Yet, I'll also keep in mind that I'm lucky to be here....so fortunate to tell Nathaniel that I love him, to watch Tabbitha fawn over Kalamata Olives, and Anabelle dance with her favorite purple string. That I'm happy to reach the top of a hill (or mountain - no matter what size), read a great book, enjoy froyo with friends, swap nigiri with Nathaniel, hug my parents, and tell my friends that I love them. And I've said it before, and I'll say it again: everything else is just icing on the proverbial sheet cake.

But I also know myself well enough - to be forgiving of my feelings, and to know that what I'm feeling at that exact moment - is exactly the RIGHT thing. And that I'm doing the best I can with what I have...And that this is the FIRST DVT and PE that I've gone through - and all the emotions and feelings that I'm feeling are NORMAL. Because how could I know otherwise?

Again - long hospital stay = thinking and planning.

Repeat: I'm doing the best that I can with the tools that I have....And everything that I'm feeling is normal because I've never gone through this before, so how could I know otherwise?

So that's the latest and greatest. I'm home. I'm getting healthy. And I'm doing my best to stay happy. And my identity isn't wrapped up in racing or even training at a high level. There is simply so much more there.

This will be a new journey for 2010. A new foray into an unexplored side of my life. As we've already been tossed in, we might as well keep going.

I can't thank everyone enough for all of their love and support. My triathlon friends have been AWESOME. The Gunfighter Gals with hospital visits and a week's worth of delivered dinners, my parents for flying out (and Angela Kidd for helping to make Dad's trip possible), my doctors and nurses, friends, family, Jen - for bing not only the BEST COACH EVER, but also an incredible friend and supporter, Almond butter, Lori my pet sitter (for braving the House Monsters), Darcy for bringing me REGULAR clothes (no flashing people on the hospital ward), Mer - for everything, Karen for the books, and so many more...there are simply too many. And the flowers - I'm in the process of writing thank you cards - so please be patient (I know you are). But please know that your love and support got me through some pretty scary times.

What else can I say? To quote Donna: "I'm De-clotting."

And that, my friends, is the latest and greatest.

184 comments:

Steve said...

You have a tremendous outlook. I know the next few months will have some hard days, but like you said you are prepared.

I am sad things will be difficult on those sad days, but you will come out fine.

Best Wishes!! :)

San said...

You're home. Wohoo.

And you thought deep, way deeeep thoughts. Wow.

Glad you are on your way to health once again and still have your special sense of humor.

Enjoy your days at home.

Cheers and hugs

IronSnoopy said...

I'm glad that you're home!

A friend of mine reads your blog regularly and pointed me in your direction. I had same thing happen in November of '08. It took me a full year to recover, but I'm now training for IM #3 with a new perspective and 100% clot-free!

Hang in there -- you can do this. And feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions or anything.

Beth said...

Life is such a journey and you truly define that Marit! Through all the ups and downs you continue to amaze and inspire so many people! One day you will need to put all your blog entries through the years together and make a book!!! :) Regardless, I'm sure you will have good days and bad ones, like you said, but you're already in a better place than in 2008. Have fun de-clotting!! (if that's possible, I'm sure you'll find a way :)

Rebecca DeWire said...

I am so glad to hear that you are home!

Kim said...

youre home! youre home! youre really really home! yay marit!

Melissa said...

Glad you are back home! I'm thinking of you :-)

Angela and David Kidd said...

Your perspective is amazing and I've always been impressed by you, but how you've handled this has been nothing short of amazing.

Glad you are home and de-clotting!

Kim said...

You are amazing Marit! I think you are doing great and I'm so happy youre safe!! Don't SCARE me like that again.. geezz!

Aimee (I Tri To Be Me) said...

Yay for being home! I'm so glad you were able to leave the hospital! Let the de-clotting begin! :)

Trigirlpink said...

eeeks... I would be lying if i didn't say i'd be a tad worried of the clot breaking off too. BUT... like you said, they would NOT let you out of there if there was danger of that.
So now... you will pick yourself up, set some new goals for the rest of the summer in what ever you decide to do with your eyes set on a fresh 2011 season.

X-Country2 said...

I think you are so brave for your outlook on all this. Very best wishes on a speedy recovery.

Kathleen @ ForgingAhead said...

Yay! You're home!! Best news ever. Bet the house monster is super happy to see his mom.

Michelle Simmons said...

So glad to hear that you're home.

Not sure if this will be of any help (sometimes success stories are helpful) but I just found out this morning that this uber-swimmer guy I've been training with is a lifer on cumadin... he had a DVT (hereditary, out of the blue kind of thing like you) and even though he is still on cumadin (and will be for the rest of his life) he still swims and sails and does all the things he wants. He goes in for monthly blood tests to make sure nothing has changed... and then he comes to the pool and *kicks our asses* 3x/week. :)

Nicole @ Geek Turned Athlete said...

After all that you have been through this year, you are absolutely amazing for having such a positive and realistic attitude. I'm so happy you are safe and healthy now!

SSB said...

So glad you are home!

cherelli said...

Hey Marit, I'm so glad you're home - step one of knowing things will start to get better. I love your honest and thoughtful outlook, thanks for keeping it real...and the whole "identity" thing? You're totally right - it's so easy to get caught up in sports as our defining feature - and yet you seem to be one hell of a writer, and violinist, and person in general...with so many more strings to add to your bow (pardon the pun) whilst you take it easy. I hope you are up and about walking (light hiking?) and enjoying the outdoors again soon.

MaineSport said...

Marit- It feels like I'm listening to myself talk, although I didn't have earlier experiences to help put things in perspective. It's really helpful for me to hear what you're going through. You're a great writer, and I hope we can raise awareness of this freak thing so someone doesn't..you know... Keep your chin up!

Ange said...

I admire you so much Marit. Your perspective is great. But you are so honest and real...you need to feel your feelings..I agree.
thinking of you...

Kristin said...

I just caught up with your last couple weeks and am blown away. I'm so glad you are ok. Your thoughts about how happy you are and how much you love Nathanial brought tears to my eyes. Keep getting better and keep the positive attitude!

GoBigGreen said...

Welcome home, Marit:) I am so glad you are home, and are taking time to process and think about the feelings and of course to daily remind yourself and affirm to yourself that you are so much to so many. In addition to your kick A$$ athletic skills, of course..sister, daughter, friend, cat lover, wife, musician, sushi lover, shark hater, etc...you get my point:)
Keep on keeping on and oh. I am swimming a race in Lake Harriet in a few weeks. Um. What is in that lake:)!!???

kerrie said...

marit, you have such a positive attitude and i know you are strong enough to get through this and find new goals for this season.....and on the days that you are feeling not-so-brave and uber-frustrated, i hope that you surround yourself with people that love and care about you and give you the energy you need to make it through. what a journey you have been on this past year!!!

Teresa said...

Welcome home and so proud of you for being SMART and doing everything to be safe adn healthy first before diving head first into racing. Get well and enjoy your fave shampoo!

tn

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