We don't promise you a Rose Garden

Well folks, my last long run is in the books, and I can safely say that it was the most ugly run I've ever done. Period. Rarely is it true that both the body and mind feel weak, but Saturday's run was an exception.

My heart rate felt high, my breathing was embarrassingly loud - at times feeling like I was breathing through a straw, my layers upon layers of black clothing made me look like an idiot and the three hours that I spent outside running only confirmed that fact. I'm sure the Marines and Family at the HMLA-367 Family Pick-nick were wondering who hired the freak show to keep plodding by, every 37-40 minutes.

Heck, had they taken me in, stripped off the ungainly layers, and given me a few ounces of cool-ish beverages, I would have volunteered for the dunk tank (they were looking for takers). As it was during my fifth pass, it was all I could do to restrain myself from tackling the CO (commanding officer), wrestling him out of the tank and yelling, "DUNK ME!"

Suffice to say, it didn't get that extreme.

But we were close.

At twenty minutes in, I was convinced that after my first pass of the car (where I had another 4 bottles of water, 4 gels, and enough salt that would put any bag of jumbo pretzels to shame) at mile 4.4 would be my last. I would call it quits. Finito. This. Just. Wastn'. Fun.

It was no longer fun.

My mood actually picked up in - what I thought would be - my last ten minutes of running. I had a brief cooling breeze and the grade was slightly downhill. My breathing sounded less Darth-Vadar-ish and I was actually on pace and making decent time. I just felt like shit, but everything else was great.

But as I ran to the car, I realized that I just couldn't stop. If it were any other race at all....

But it wasn't.

With Ironman Hawaii on the horizon and looming closer with each passing day, I knew that I needed this workout - perhaps not so much physically, but mentally. Because in Ironman, in a race, and as oftentimes with life - we don't always have the pleasure or even the ability to quit when things get tough. Instead, we are forced to grit our teeth, to carry on, to finish what we started in spite of the space between our ears and how our bodies respond.

I knew that when the going gets tough out in Kona, IF I WERE TO INCOMPLETE OR FAIL THIS WORKOUT IN ANY WAY, I WOULD HAVE THAT KNOWLEDGE HANGING OVER MY HEAD. And in a race where so much of your result is based on mental fortitude, I didn't want to be weakened in any way. I don't want to look back on this run and remember what I didn't do.

So I quickly grabbed a gel, three salt tabs and a fresh bottle of water, and was on my way for another 4.4 mile loop.

I tried to break it down. Lap by lap, step by step. Just put one foot ahead of the other. I thought about other friends, training for their own races and drew inspiration from that. In passing the Wounded Warrior Battalion, I thought about all the injured service members who would love to just run, who would be grateful to go even for a 'shitty' run, because right now they can't. I thought about Herrad and and access-denied life with MS and knew she would relish the opportunity to be outside.

But it was still hard. My breathing was reaching a comical pitch, my clothes were covered in salt, and my heart rate was somewhere up up and away!

And I really don't know why: but I kept going. Lap after lap after bloody lap. In the middle I could tell what a dark, uncomfortable, unhappy place I was in and convince myself that this would be the last lap. 8.8..and then..13.2...and then..17.6.....respective miles are plenty.

For lack of a better word, I was just uncomfortable. I never had my breathing under control - within the first few steps it was loud (embarrassingly loud), and in thinking back, I've NEVER sounded like this while running in a non-race situation.

But as the car came in sight at the end of each successive lap, I realized that in spite of my steam-engine breathing, high heart rate, and general uncomfortableness, I still needed to finish, to go all the way. Pausing briefly to pick up another gel, more salt tablets, and yet another luke-warm bottle of water, it dawned on me that my motivation stemmed from fear.

I was afraid of failure.

I was afraid that if I stopped this run, I wouldn't be prepared to the best of my ability for Ironman Hawaii.

I was afraid that if I LET myself quit now, that it will be easier to quit in the future when the going gets REALLY tough.

I was afraid that for the first time, my body was stronger than my mind.

I was afraid of stopping because I didn't know how, when, or if I could start again.

I was afraid that if I couldn't suck it up in practice, then I'll never be able to make it during a race.

I was afraid of failure.

It was at that point - after completing three 4.4 mile loops, that I had a conversation with myself. Out loud. And yes, the Marines exiting the Hospital Gym gave me a funny look and a wide berth, but I didn't care. I think they just blamed it on the heat.

"Okay...here's the deal. This is the LAST loop that you've got to do. The body will follow whatever the mind dictates. Your mid IS stronger than your body. If you can will it, it will happen."

I pushed the pace as much as I could, even running 5 minutes HARD at the top of two hours, and was later reduced back to my snail's pace. Just put one foot in front of the other.... This is what you'll need for mile 18 coming out of the Energy Lab....this is what you need....be strong....I know you're miserable - but there will be plenty of time to think of that when you're done....no crying now...that just takes up precious oxygen, and lord knows we're not getting enough of that as it is....if you can will it to happen...will it....I willl.....I willll

Passing the car at 2:30 after my fourth lap was easier than I thought. Now that the majority of the work was done, I knew that the end was within sight. Still breathing loudly, dripping wet and sporting black layers of clothing, I ran back to the restrooms at Lake O'Neil, past the dunk tank and then looped around back to the car.

I knew that my finishing time of 2:45 wasn't exactly on target mileage-wise...but no one would know and I could put this blasted run behind me...

But somewhere, in the back of my head, a little voice piped in, "I would know. Do you really think 19.4 miles is enough? After all you've been though. How hard would it be to finish this thing the right way?"

Ignoring the car as I ran by, I decided to run 3:00 up the road and then loop 3:00 back. If I could do that...I could do just about anything...

And in the end I did.

It wasn't pretty, and it really wasn't fun. Then again - it didn't need to be. I just needed to do it. To shut OFF my mind. keep the negative thoughts at bay, to keep my body moving, to be out there putting in the time for what will undeniable be one of the most challenging races of my life.

No one ever said Ironman training would be easy.

More difficult than my run, was trying to explain it to Nathaniel. He could tell something was amiss, but just didn't know what to say or how to say it. Pushing through an experience like I had running yesterday...well, it almost feels as though you've built a wall between yourself and the rest of the world. Deep down, how do you explain the monsters and demons that terrify? How can I describe to someone the effort of will? How do you tell someone it was the most difficult run ever and that your main source of motivation was through fear?

I just couldn't.

I had done it, completed the run, earned my stripes, step by bloody step. No, it wasn't pretty and it certainly wasn't sweet smelling...but I did it, and can one day look back and think, "Man...that was one helluva tough run. If I could do that, I could do anything."

And in the end - that's what really matters. Not necessarily how you feel, but what you do about it. And while I realize that it wasn't my fastest pace, I still did it. I still got it done.

And you can too.

You know....

YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE TRAINING FOR IRONMAN WHEN:

- You wake up at 4:30 am, ravenously hungry, and even the cat looks good.

- 1,000 meters at the pool is a warm up.

- You carry around hand sanitizer and use it all the time, for fear of germs, germs, and more germs. And at the grocery store, when there are no more sanitizing wipes left for you car (germs!), you break out the hand sanitizer.

- You stop being self-conscious in compression socks, athletic gear, and apparel that you would not normally wear in public.

- A quick trip to the car sans bra in order to pick up fill-in-the-blank is perfectly okay. Because you are constantly making trips to the car to pick up other sorts of fill-in-the-blanks.

-First breakfast at 4:00 am is a frequent occurrence.

- Riding the bike for four hours on a weekend seems...so...short?

-You consider throwing a tantrum that would put the kid in Isle 9 to shame, just because the store is OUT of Swedish Fish.

- Late night TV? Leno is now on at 10 pm? Funny joke - NOT going to happen.

- You buy new running shoes every 8 weeks.

- You are on a first-name basis with the receptionist at your ART therapist/massage therapist/ ? therapist's office. And even they are familiar with your (particular) ailments).

- Hello tan lines. Bike shoes/running shoes, bike shorts, bathing suit, bike tops, running tops, and my personal favorite? Goggle and swim cap lines. Yes, at this point, my forehead is muliti-colored along my cap line.

- You are so used to riding with gels, baggies of powdered drink mix, spare tubes, patch kit stuff, bars (because really - how many gels can you really ingest without hurling?), salt tablet canisters, maps, and everything-short-of-the-kitchen-sink, wearing ONLY a bike top feels oddly...refreshing.

- Two showers per day are common. Three aren't unheard of.

- Your sex life is based around your long ride schedule. 7-hours in the saddle and trust me when I say it is NOT happening.

- You are still swimming 10, 15...20 minutes after the rest of your Masters swim team leaves the pool.

- You try running "fast" and picking up your legs, only to realize that you look ridiculous and that all your speed left when you 1) stopped doing speed workouts and 2) starting running long all the time. You miss the track.

- You eat until you are bursting...only to realize 45 minutes later that...you're still physically hungry but uncomfortably full.

-On long rides, you pretty much discover what you CAN and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES CAN NOT eat. Coke is okay...along with gummy worms, Swedish fish, fig newtons. Candy corn, peanut butter cups, and coffee with cream - not so much.

-You don't get slimmer. You get stronger.

- Your hair stylist looks at your split ends and comments, "wow - you must spend a lot of time in the sun. Or in chlorine." How about both?

- Creativity and meal planning? Ha! A joke! Its the same recycled meals...week after week after week... Currently tofu stir fry is our "favorite". The big decision? Do we go with Spicy Kung Pao sauce OR Teriyaki Ginger?

- Your lane mates know that its Monday because you're wearing the red and orange suit and Wednesday, because you're wearing the blue and purple suit.

-Reading anything intellectually stimulating is impossible. Staring at the book in a post-workout stupor is much more common.

- On that note...staring at the television in a post-workout stupor becomes the norm. And usually it takes a minute or two for something funny to register.

- You suddenly become very aware of every twinge, pain, hot spot, and are immediately convinced that if you don't deal with it NOW, you will be sidelined for weeks.

- When you've got a headache, you wonder if its from dehydration, salt depletion OR just a headache. Water...salt tabs...and Motrin. In that order.

- You find yourselves going to different convenience stores to pick up 40-lb bags of ice, because you're sick of the same clerk asking the same questions. Woa! That's a lot of ice! You must be having some party, right?

- You have three...wait four!....months of wine bottles for your wine club membership waiting to be picked up because you just don't want bottles upon bottles upon bottles of temptation in the house.

- You think that you may be prone to sleep walking and sleep eating, but you're not sure. The trail of broken wheat thins...bread crumbs on the counter...and empty chocolate wrapper in the pantry make you suspect though.

- Simple things - an orchestra's performance, a pelican flying in the breeze, a kitty stretching - can capture your attention and hold it for an inordinate amount of time.

- You start calculating the amount of salt not only in your training foods, but regular foods as well.

- You start referring to life as "after the IM" or "before the IM".

- The laundry makes it (mostly) from the floor to the washer to the dryer to....the futon. And there. It. Sits. Semi-folded.

-You get used to hearing the BBC news broadcast early in the morning as you drive to X practice.

- Investing in chamois cream companies seem like a pretty promising idea, based on how much you use and how frequently you use it.

- You smell like the pool, even on days when you don't swim.

- You dream about the time when you can stay out late, eat junk, drink more than what's necessary, sleep in and...hhhmmmm.....what will you do on Saturday?

- You get emotional watching the online coverage of other Ironman races, because you know that one day you'll be there.

- You are ready, willing, and MORE than able to fight the old lady for the last package of fill-in-the-blank. Because you are training for an Ironman, and YOU ARE HUNGRY.

- You have a short attention span and-

Getting through the daze

It feels odd, really, to be this close to Ironman Hawaii, but still three and a half weeks out. The race is still far enough away that I'm not SUPERWORRIED, but close enough that I can (almost) feel the taper. I'm just not quite there. Yet.

Knock on wood and all that stuff. Trust me: I'm doing it right now.

Day by day I'm doing my best to stay focused, keep my eyes on the prize (finishing!), and staying happy/sane/healthy/happy/focused/happy/happy throughout. Did I mention...happy?

A few things that have helped me along the way?

Why I'm glad that you asked....

-Giving myself permission to climb Palomar without the bike computer/time/watts showing. Then while pedaling to the traditional START of the climb, having my curiosity get the better of me and figuring "what the hell. IF I don't like the numbers, I'll just switch the computer off. And who knows - I may surprise myself."

It turns out: I surprised myself. But I never would have known had I not given myself permission to fail, given myself permission to be okay with just climbing.

-Along the way, I learned that talking with someone else makes the time go by A LOT faster - especially when that someone is a former world record holder for the Ride Across America. Can't remember his name (I WAS working my butt off!), but have the picture to prove it. The 62-year old former Cat 1 cyclist, US Marine, and world record holder made my ride awesome.

-Thinking about Jen's other athletes - Michelle and Ange - who are also racing at Kona. Even though I've never me them, I especially feel like we're all in this together. I know that they're out there...getting the work done and everything.

-Seeing and then following Cat's Survival of the Shawangunks. The event looks incredible and is one that I would MOST DEFINITELY like to do in the future. The trail running, lake swimming, trail running, MORE lake swimming (ie - no sharks!), and running is incredible. Throw in a 30-mile bike ride at the beginning and I'm hooked. Perhaps next year...? Or the year after...? I can't decide - but know that at some point, I'll have to do it.

-Following Herrad's story and being grateful for the ability to pursue my dreams. If you haven't checked out her blog, it is truly an inspiration. I can't thank her enough for sharing her journey - access denied living with multiple sclerosis. I know that it isn't easy for her - but her posts, her honesty, and beautiful insight on life makes me pause and reflect on what is truly important.

- Hearing Don Draper's quote on last Sunday's episode of Mad Men. It's a show that Nathaniel and I try and watch together. Okay..okay...stay awake late enough to see an episode through to the very end. But Don's quote really was good:

"Our worst fears lie in anticipation..."

I was so inspired - mostly because it's been the anticipation of Kona that has me the most nervous. In addition to the fear of the unknown... At this point, I just want the race to arrive...Don's remark was perfectly timed.

(I would be remiss to NOT thank French novelist and playwright Honore de Balzac, 1799-1850 who commented:

"Our worst misfortunes never happen, and most miseries lie in anticipation."

So there you have it...)

- It doesn't matter the workout - I crave the carbonation at the end. And don't think I won't go for the Diet Coke if we're out of Seltzer water. Not that it happens that often...but...

- Knowing that there really ARE good people in the world. Damie worked very hard to save the life of an abused and abandoned dog - and through her hard work, Shelby Angel has a new home and more importantly, a new life. Its people like her that restore my faith in humanity.

-Following the success of Mary. I couldn't be happier that she is rediscovering her athletic-self (with the help of an incredible coach). It makes me SO HAPPY when good things happen to good people (who work hard). Mary deserves all of her success - she's been through a lot...and I couldn't be prouder. I think about her effort when I'm out 'there', pounding the pavement or going after those few extra watts.

-Finally throwing in the towel and deciding to get a new hair cut. It's been way way way too long... I was planning on waiting until after Hawaii - but seriously... I can't remember the last time I went out without my hair up in a ponytail. So now, I've got a new look.

Yes - its short...

And I'm trying to figure out new ways of keeping it off my face for the race. And I'm still trying to get used to it (it is SHORT for me...). But hey, I wouldn't go back given the choice, because it is WAY better than the mop I had before.

Plus, it was super fun walking out of the salon with styled and bouncy and CUTE hair. Trust me when I say its a rarity for me.

The little things...right?

In a nutshell - there you have it. I'm sure there are more things, but I just can't think of them at this point. So without further ado...

Our worst fears lie in anticipation....

Remember that. Because I sure as heck am trying...

Photos

VISION
TALL
TRAIN
SHOWDOWN
RECOVERY
BALANCE
LOVE
HUGS
JUICY
EXPECTANT

Happy Birthday Nathaniel!

Happy Birthday Sweetheart! Yes, I know - another post about you. But this is totally your parents doing (and I am GRATEFUL). Hope that you're having a very special day and enjoy the walk down memory lane....

*Cue dream-sequence music*

The TOP TEN Memories with Nathaniel....

(pause).

Okay: wait a sec.

Just to clarify - there are many many more than just 10.

Perhaps I'll try this again...

TEN GREAT MEMORIES WITH NATHANIEL (give or take a few...and in no particular order).

10) Wine and Braveheart on our first "movie" date in college. He brought the movie and wine, while I destroyed the lentil dish that I had so 'carefully' prepared for dinner. Gotta hand it to him - he acted as though the burnt and hard lentils were normal and said that he would be willing to try it again. Sometime.

And yes, we drank the wine and enjoyed the movie.

9) His love for animals. Yes, he claims to hate the cats, and called Charlie – the-carrot-eating-dog – “stupid”, but deep down, he’s a real softie. We can ALL call his bluff.

8) Jumping on the trampoline at his parent’s house together. Yes – we are probably way way way too old to be jumping, but we still have a blast. Heck, it keeps us young...and its even better when a) it's cool outside and b) there's something warm and tasty waiting for you inside. Throw on a Packers game and...we may never leave Waukesha.

7) Running into his arms after a deployment. We’ve gone through two, and each homecoming is special. I was so excited, I couldn’t stay around for the picture.


6)Because he does stuff like THIS to me ALL THE TIME. No matter what, the guy knows how to make you (and me laugh). Here’s another, just because I'm lucky.

5)He once walked through a raging snowstorm 4 miles in the middle of the night, during final exam week (back in college), uphill both ways to get me Pepto Bismol for a horrible stomach ache. Okay - not uphill both ways, but everything else is true. Even though I threw it up five minutes after taking it (yes, I was really really sick, and later spent Christmas in the hospital - ugh!), he still held me and cleaned up after me. And this was only four months into our relationship.

As my friend said, “Oh man, he is DEFINITELY a keeper!”

4) The guy likes fire. And grilling. And heavy machinery. And helicopters. And tools! And at a very young age, he decided that his cub scout troop wasn’t “hard core enough” when, as a craft project, they built the Minnesota Ice Palace out of sugar cubes. Luckily now, I think he’s found his calling, as he gets to fly the updated version of this:

3) Because no matter how awful I look, how horrible I feel, or how smelly I am – he is ALWAYS there for me at the race finish. Come to think of it…he’s always there for me at the race…and I love love LOVE seeing him out on the course. Even if I look like this: For the record - this was my first half marathon. Ever. I believe it was a tad bit more difficult than what I expected...

2) Once in a while he takes a really funny photo – and years later we still laugh. I swear that he’s NOT related to Howard Dean…but you never can tell

1) The guy knows what to bring on a hike – sure, the survival gear, Leatherman multi-tool, map, GPS unit, etc are all important. But chocolate – NOW we’re talking. Yep, he's a keeper allright!

Happy Birthday Nathaniel - I LOVE you!!!!! Here's to many more beer samples, adventures, hikes, races, tramampoline-jumping, laughing, silly pictures, and everything. Oh - and cake. We ALL love cake!

But I love you more - even more than the Skagway beer sample. But we do plan on going back...right?