Telephone Pole Hill, July

Another month has passed, and in effort to prove to myself that Southern California does indeed have seasons (although NOT the sort of seasons that this Minnesota girl is familiar with), each month I'm taking a picture of what I've dubbed "Telephone Poll Hill." Located aboard Camp Pendleton, this hill has become a staple during our Mike TERF area hikes (although we are extra careful this time of year due to the rattlesnakes).

Again - another run on sentence. I'm blaming the blood thinners, so it's all good.

And before you go getting your knickers in a twist, no I DID NOT hike today. Instead, Nathaniel and I drove out to the hill, took a few pictures, and drove home. It felt a little anticlimactic, really...like I was cheating...as I'm so used to taking the shot after a long hike.

But...My doctor has given me the "all clear" to start LIGHT hiking next week. Though I'm afraid that it will be a while before we do anything long or tenuous. And that's okay - just part of the process. Yes, I'm upset - but there is NOTHING I can do about it, except take things day by day. In the meantime though, enjoy the pictures. I'm excited to see what August and September bring...

I'm really looking forward to taking those shots!

March 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010It's been an interesting July thus far. The Marine Layer has stuck around uncharacteristically long, and while our friends on the East Coast have sweltered in the heat, the temperatures have remained mild due to the constant cloud cover.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for some sunshine! Stay tuned for August...

Hospital Shots

Yes, the pun is intended. It's horrible, and I'll readily admit that. I swear that ever since I've been on blood thinners, I've lost my ability to "filter" what I say or how my thoughts come out of my mouth. I think my Mom was horrified on the way to the airport to pick up my Dad. My mental middle finger, which is usually aimed towards crappy drivers, instead became a free flowing commentary as we sped down the 5.

Whoops.

But I'm still here....my INR is stable...and I've managed to dig up the camera for a few hospital "shots". Ha ha ha - I know, I know - awful. But really - I can't help it.

Don't blame me - blame the Coumadin. It's what I'm doing.

Welcome to Scripps Encinitas Emergency Room!Waiting for my CT scan with NO IDEA how bad off I really was. My stupid grin gives proof to that fact. Then again, Meredith kept me laughing the entire time

This IV brought to you by Power Bar and Diet Coke.Awesome! THANK YOU MEREDITH for supplying me with Diet Coke. I could not have gotten through the 8 days without that. Well... I guess I could have - it just would have been really really ugly.

My Lovenox injection shots...And I have a collection of dime-sized bruises along my "love handles" as testament to my self-injection blunders.

CUPCAKES from Molly! WOO HOO!!!!!!Along with the BEST nurses EVER!!!!

Wow! These flowers smell a lot better......than the lady sharing my room. (Luckily I moved to a private "suite" after two days. BLISS!)

No, I swear to you that I'm not about to blow up.Wires from my EKG, which I wore CONSTANTLY. The weird part about being home, is knowing that no one is monitoring my heart. Slightly disconcerting given the fact that there's a VERY big clot de-clotting itself in my leg. But still...I miss that EKG and the security it brought.

Meet my new friend Dallas!!!Canine Companions were AWESOME, and I made three new doggie friends. They really brightened up my day. Many thanks to Dallas, Tomas, and Shirley!

A healthy lunch of pita, Greek salad, milk, and...almond butter...?Clearly, I talk about peanut butter and almond butter too much, if people are bringing me jars of the stuff. And yes - I said jars. The PB went to the nurses, but I kept the AB for myself and visitors...

After one day, I added a fourth goal...Mission Accomplished!

The volunteers who delivered flowers and packages and chocolate were extra pleasant!

Happy Anniversary!Chocolate covered strawberries from Nathaniel. Okay - so NOT the hike + Pizza Port (pizza + GREAT beer) we had planned. However - the added bonus was that we BOTH got to celebrate on this earth.

Speaking of love...four of the images from my heart ultrasound.Sorry - I can't tell you what any of the pictures mean... But I do know, that it belongs to Nathaniel.

Still swollen. Sigh.And slightly discolored (due to the -cringe- broken cappilaries and tissues within the skin). I've always hated feet - and here is another reason why.

(Psst: It's the RIGHT foot)

AND REMEMBER - IF YOU EVER EXPERIENCE SWELLING OF ANY KIND IN ANY EXTREMITIES, GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM IMMEDIATELY!

Wall of hearts --discovered during my 4th of July foray through the empty-feeling hospital.

This sign gave me hope! Do I get to run stairs? Yes?? Please! YES!! PICK ME!!!NO. For much of the time I was restricted to the bed or very light walking - my doctors didn't want me to dislodge the DVTs in my right leg. Again.

Mirrors were everywhere.
Rocks in the garden - always helping me to find my way.
Happy 4th of July!
I found this on the camera, and laughed.I have to hand it to Nathaniel - a Marine, helicopter pilot, and lifelong lego lover - this was AWESOME. I think he's planning on building the Yankee version soon.

I had warned Meredith...that my friend Jaime makes the BEST BAKED GOODS EVER. Sshhhh:even better than sheet cake!Yes, we were all amazed. And I swear, that I waddled out of that place.

Seven days and counting...two IVs, more bruises than I ever though possible......but GRATEFUL to be alive.

THANK YOU EVERYONE for your incredible support. Still working on those emails...and grateful to be here.

Status Update: Home and De-Clotting!

First of all - let me start off by saying that I LOVE LOVE LOVE Rosemary Mint Shampoo from Aveda. And let's throw in the Rosemary Mint Conditioner as well, because that stuff is also golden. I washed my hair no less than three times while taking one shower, yesterday at home.

Yes, you are reading correctly...AT HOME.

My Sunday July 4th release didn't come to pass. My pesky INR # didn't cooperate the way it was supposed to. Luckily, the next day I got to do my 'Happy Dance' when my number shot up to 2.2. I may have hugged my doctor, but I'm not 100% positive. Sure, I may be on a mega dose of Coumadin (for my body weight)....but no matter. I would rather pump myself full of the stuff and NOT suffer another blood clot to the heart and lungs.

Suffice to say, there will be NO running with scissors for the next few months.

But bottom line: I'm home, I'm getting healthy, and I'm finding creative ways to stay happy.

I know that my life is going to change dramatically over the next few months. But pretty soon, the things that I do on a daily basis that I have to THINK about, will slowly become integrated into my regular schedule.

Example?

Let's just say that I've got a standing order to get my blood drawn.

I know for a fact that my veins rejoiced from NOT having to give blood today. I managed to eek out of blood drawing tomorrow, but my ticket comes up on Thursday. And that's okay...because I know that I won't be able to be comfortable NOT knowing what my INR number is.

Remember that thing? That INR thingy?? Summary: the body's ability to clot blood, as recognized on an international scale. I'm supposed to stay between 2.0 and 3.0 - but diet has a HUGE affect on the counts.

Other bits?

Well - I've begun to wrap my brain around the fact that I'm NOT racing this season. No races. Nada. First thing - it's just not safe. Let's put the shark thing aside - the bruising and contact on the swim, potential for bike crash and bleeding associated with the ride, and then the wear and tear on the run.

And let's not even mention the giant calf-to-groin clot I've still got in my right let. It's NOT gone yet... and I'm still trying to figure out how to function and go through my daily (MODIFIED) routines knowing that another major chunk could break off, travel through my body, and kill me.

There - I said it.

(And 170+ heart rate certainly would NOT help me...higher heart rate = more pressure = more demand for blood = greater likelihood of clot breaking free).

I'm terrified of that.

But every time I think about that, I try to remind myself that TONS of people have taken blood thinners and survived Deep Vein Thrombosis and Pulmonary Embolisms. And that my doctors would NOT have released me if they didn't think I was safe... so for now, I have to trust. Trust the system, trust my doctors, trust the medicine, trust the history of success.

Trust my faith.

Dude - I don't even trust Nathaniel when he drives down the 5. And at least THEN I can yell - oops tell - him to SLOW DOWN. And he usually listens. (Although, I can totally pull the "I survived a major PE, and I refuse to be killed in a car crash due to your reckless driving" card.)

I wish I could yell at my blood clots, "Out! Out damned spot, out I say!" Err - I meant "clot".

OUT! OUT DAMNED CLOTS, OUT I SAY!

But I was thinking about this the other day - and can you tell I've been doing a lot of thinking? - and I finally decided that trusting that I am going to be okay with my medication and doctors, is SORT of like trusting Coach Jen and my training right before the start of a BIG race.

And so far...I've never NOT been ready for a race...so - that's a good thing. Right?

Right.

Absolutely.

Other things have been permeating through my mind as well - and I think any athletically minded person who faces a long layoff from competition, shares these same thoughts. It's the idea that I can stay in shape and NOT race...I don't have to train for something, in order to be healthy...in order to be happy...and I don't need to focus on RACE goals in order to make 2010 a productive year.

As a highly competitive person - this is hard for me. Knowing that I can still be "Marit" without racing, and without training for racing.

I think that my bouts with sinusitis and pneumonia helped prepare me - but I NEVER though it would be for something like this.

But, when I get the clearance to start up with light exercise, it will be more along the lines of walking, easy swimming (NO Masters yet), light hiking, and indoor biking. And...I've reconciled that I'm okay with this. I may not like it, and there will be times when I know I'll feel sad when I see someone running really fast down Pacific Coast Highway - but at the end of the day, racing and triathlon will always be there. And if I give this blood clot an opportunity to break off, I may not.

And I know myself - and I know how tough things got in 2008 after my bike crash when I couldn't race, yet I kept expecting myself to return to top form like nothing had happened. Something did happen - something really REALLY big did happen. And it was silly of me to expect that I could get back on the horse without changing my outlook.

Instead, I grew increasingly depressed, sad, and trapped in a horribly cycle of grief. I was angry - but refused to admit it. The denial was everywhere and with everything that I did. And I bargained with the best of them.

Then again, hindsight is 20-20, and that's one of the many lessons I learned from 2008. I'm not upset or mad about anything that happened that year - because even though bits of it were totally horrible, I emerged on the other a much happier and healthier person. It was very hard, yes - but I learned so much more about ME, and how I work, than I would have had I never gone through it.

I may be able to control how I react and look at a situation, true. On the flip side - sometimes life hands you a steaming turd. And it sucks. Big time.

With this new and unexpected journey in 2010, I KNOW that there will be days that I'm totally bummed. I'll cry, I'll get mad, I'll be pissed - and I'll also be scared. I'm prepared for that and I know it will happen. And anyone who has gone through a very scary thing will probably feel the same way.

Yet, I'll also keep in mind that I'm lucky to be here....so fortunate to tell Nathaniel that I love him, to watch Tabbitha fawn over Kalamata Olives, and Anabelle dance with her favorite purple string. That I'm happy to reach the top of a hill (or mountain - no matter what size), read a great book, enjoy froyo with friends, swap nigiri with Nathaniel, hug my parents, and tell my friends that I love them. And I've said it before, and I'll say it again: everything else is just icing on the proverbial sheet cake.

But I also know myself well enough - to be forgiving of my feelings, and to know that what I'm feeling at that exact moment - is exactly the RIGHT thing. And that I'm doing the best I can with what I have...And that this is the FIRST DVT and PE that I've gone through - and all the emotions and feelings that I'm feeling are NORMAL. Because how could I know otherwise?

Again - long hospital stay = thinking and planning.

Repeat: I'm doing the best that I can with the tools that I have....And everything that I'm feeling is normal because I've never gone through this before, so how could I know otherwise?

So that's the latest and greatest. I'm home. I'm getting healthy. And I'm doing my best to stay happy. And my identity isn't wrapped up in racing or even training at a high level. There is simply so much more there.

This will be a new journey for 2010. A new foray into an unexplored side of my life. As we've already been tossed in, we might as well keep going.

I can't thank everyone enough for all of their love and support. My triathlon friends have been AWESOME. The Gunfighter Gals with hospital visits and a week's worth of delivered dinners, my parents for flying out (and Angela Kidd for helping to make Dad's trip possible), my doctors and nurses, friends, family, Jen - for bing not only the BEST COACH EVER, but also an incredible friend and supporter, Almond butter, Lori my pet sitter (for braving the House Monsters), Darcy for bringing me REGULAR clothes (no flashing people on the hospital ward), Mer - for everything, Karen for the books, and so many more...there are simply too many. And the flowers - I'm in the process of writing thank you cards - so please be patient (I know you are). But please know that your love and support got me through some pretty scary times.

What else can I say? To quote Donna: "I'm De-clotting."

And that, my friends, is the latest and greatest.

Hospital Observations...(yes, I'm still here).

It's interesting. Being in a hospital for an extended amount of time, yet feeling totally normal. And why am I writing about the hospital when I was supposed to be released this morning?

Because I'm still here.

Apparently, I'm the FIRST patient my doctor has ever worked with, whose INR number didn't keep rising the way it was supposed to. I stalled at 1.9 for a second day. Double shit. My parents always told me I was *special*. This wasn't the sort of example I was hoping for.

But that's okay - because I'm exactly where I need to be, getting the necessary treatment. The plan is to up the Coumadin and continue with the Lovenox shots. Yes, I HTFU and give myself the shots. Twice daily. To the abdomen. But trust me when I say that there are plenty of love-handles to inject the medicine into.

...Speaking of love-handles, I've got a theory about why it's so difficult for my INR number to respond to the Coumadin. And it actually has to do with Vitamin K, a fat soluble vitamin. Ready?

Are you sure??

It's nothing special, except that I try to eat SUPER HEALTHY greens, get my daily dose of veggies, and supplement my diet with a multivitamin - my Vitamin K stores are extremely high... and a week's worth of hospital food, will not decrease the Vitamin K deposits in my body. Or any deposits for that matter, but that's a different story.

But the great news - is once we get this last bit of information figured out, I'll be free and clear to GO HOME. HOME! With NATHANIEL! With HOUSE MONSTERS!! With my MOM - who flew into town...today ON HER BIRTHDAY!!! And my DAD - who is flying in LATER THIS WEEK!

And more great news? Can you handle it?

I'm not positive for Factor V. - which means that (knock on wood - EVERYONE, because there are no guarantees ever) I won't be a lifer on Coumadin. But like I said - there are no guarantees. Did you get that? No guarantees.

Tonight I spent some time wandering the halls of the hospital. There were lots of visitors in the morning, many people wearing their patriotic reds, whites, and blues. I could hear happy chatter and laughter down the corridor, instead of the usual shuffle of nurses or beeping of patient's machines. It was - for the first time since I've been here (all 7 days) - a happy sound. The sound of life; the sound of hope.

Later, after the visitors left, I checked in at the nurses station to let them know I would be taking a walk throughout the hospital. After my heart rate dipped into the 40s a few nights ago and I was greeted with the frantic sight of my nurse (checking to make sure I hadn't passed out in the East Garden), I figured I should let them know where I was going.

It's interesting - walking the cooridors of a nearly empty hospital. Hand painted pictures of hearts adorned the walls near the Physical Therapy and Training Rooms. Brightly painted, each heart was unique and probably as different as the artists who painted them.

I also found a Zen Garden. Although the no eating and no drinking didn't seem very zen-like to me. On the flip side, when patients braving chemotherapy and other procedures that prohibit them from drinking and eating, it's wonderful to have an outdoor place to visit and not worry about feeling ill due to someone else's Pimento Bean Soup.

I don't even feel sick, yet the thought of Pimento Bean Soup makes me queasy.

It was interesting - walking around dressed in normal clothes (jeans + shirt = bliss), sans hospital gown. Yes, I have a hospital band on one arm (SORT of like the band race directors attach to your wrist when you're racing...), and IV in the other, and a portable EKG. But after one, two, three, four, and then five groups of people gave me wide berths and funny looks, I started to wonder what was going on.

Me: normal looking, not sick looking...hospital bracelet...iv in arm...and ekg machine in the shape of a box.

And then it hit me: either they though I was on house arrest and some drug addict in the hospital with my gps tracker in my hads which kept track of my whereabouts at ALL times... OR... that I wasn an escaped mental patient, roaming the halls.

Yikes! Neither sounded good, so I quickly made my way back up to my room. Yeah.

And now... well... now I wait. I just finished my non-hospital dinner (which was the same as my non-hospital lunch). Thank you to Jaime and Meredith - real food never tasted so good. Nathaniel and I both enjoyed the fish and kalamata olives..but that chocolate brownie thingy was the BEST baked good that I've had in a long time. I think I moaned a little - so did Nate. And I figure the extra healthy stuff is good for me in the long run, even if my INR levels don't appreciate it. But more about that later.

Mom will be arriving soon, and even though Nathaniel and everyone has been wonderful out here - there's nothing like having your Mom at your side...It makes all the difference in the world.

Fingers crossed - tomorrow at this time I'll be home... cracking jokes with the family, petting the House Monsters, and watching trash TV. In my own bed.

It's the little things my friends - the little things that make all the difference. Icing on that proverbial sheet cake. Or, in this case, baked good.

Let's keep on keepin' on....

And one last VERY important note: Happy Birthday America! Cheers! Salute! And THANK YOU to all the men and women in uniform - past and present - whose love for this country helped make it what it is today. (And the families that supported them!)

Oops - even more important... HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! This is the second time I've been in the hospital on your birthday...Fingers crossed it's the last. But at least we get to see each other - yea!

Saturday at Scripps

It's been quite the adventure this past week. Last Saturday, I woke up early (reminiscent of Ironman training...), rode 4+ hours, spent time at the beach for a volunteer clean-up/hanging out with friends, and Nathaniel and I went out for dinner with another couple. We had sushi - it was delicious. I ordered 2 rolls - no recollection of the first, but the second was Alaskan.

AWESOME!

And then I polished off half of his.

What can I say? He was enjoying his Kirin beer a little too much to notice, and I was the designated driver. But that's what couples do, right? The sacrifice for NOT drinking, is enjoying an extra piece of sushi or four. Perfect.

I think I've figured out how to negotiate my designated driver availability for the next 4-6 months. EXTRA SUSHI. I LOVE it!

Here's the good news - My INR number (indicator of the body's ability to clot blood) is 0.1 under where it needs to be before I can be release. That was early this morning. Hopefully with another day of Coumadin and Lovenox in my system, I'll be within the ideal 2.0 - 3.0 range and can head home.

I AM SO EXCITED!

Aside from Nathaniel's coffee, sushi, snuggles from House Monsters, and any sense of privacy - it hasn't been that bad here. But still - going home tomorrow, on the 4th of July - would be awesome.

In the interim, a few observations from the hospital...

* Hospitals should totally supply robes in addition to gowns. Seriously. Aside from flashing the ENTIRE ward with my right boob, I didn't let any parts of my person become exposed. But man - I was being SO careful, keeping the back of my gown shut (image: Jack Nicholson in "As good as it gets"), that I simply forgot about the front. Luckily my nurse saw me and quickly remedied the situation. Whoops!

*If you are nice to the nurses, they try to work deals so you get a private room. Donating extra baked goods never hurts...thanks to some WONDERFUL cupcakes from Molly - what can I say? That I wanted to bury my head in the cupcake box? YES. YES I DID. But I didn't...

*When Motrin didn't take away my headache and diet coke did - well, let's just say that's interesting and leave it at that. No, I'm not addicted...I just really like the stuff!

*I was so excited when I received a package of flowers, I ran to the nurse's station to ask for scissors and then ran back to my room to open the box. Only when I was tearing away at said box, did I realize that - as the girl on blood thinners - I would need to be careful when I ran with scissors. Not that I make a general practice out of it - but as I am clumsy... I'll need to be careful around sharp objects.

*Please be friendly to the staff and volunteers. I DO NOT think, for a second, that they ever take pleasure in making patients hurt or denying a high quality of care. But the amount of abuse they take from patients and patient's families was astonishing. There were times when I couldn't believe my ears. Next time you're in the hospital and on the road to recovery - thank your nurse and doctor AND the volunteers who stop by.

*I made friends with not one, not two, but THREE Canine Companions. The volunteers and their volunteer dogs were FANTASTIC and brightened my day considerably.

*My lower right leg and foot has decreased considerably in size. A few days ago, it was "obese". Now it's just "chunky" or "big boned" - sort of like Tabbitha.... But in all honesty, my right leg is almost the same size as my left leg. There is hope!

*Even though swimming is okay with Coumadin - I CAN NO LONGER open water swim. Why? Because of sharks - IF I was bitten, there is NO WAY I could survive the swim back to shore - the blood loss would be too great. Then again, that's assuming that I could make it back to shore without getting devoured in the first place. I think I've found a LEGITIMATE excuse to not OW ocean swim. Awesome!

*After years upon years upon years of being on birth control pills, and suddenly stopping them mid-cycle - well, let's just say it's not a great feeling. My uterus hates me. That's all I'm saying.

*Visitors, emails, phone calls, flowers, notes, baked goods, diet coke, clean underwear, toiletries...all wonderful. I can't thank people enough for the love and support I received.... friends in the area, complete strangers who read my blog and send flowers (THANK YOU - I don't know who you are - but I so appreciate you, the note, and the beautiful bouquet). Nathaniel and I are both grateful.

*I actually feel sorry for my veins. I know it's nothing like what some chronically ill patients endure - but because of all the meds and because I've been poked so many times, my veins have decided to shrivel up into my person. There were tears yesterday when they couldn't get in a new IV line...followed by a beautiful bruise.

*REAL clothes - wonderful. I could have worn a different outfit every day - but the comfy sweat pants and sports bra were the big hit.

*I think I make the EKG people nervous - for the first few days I felt as though I was being followed...either my nurses or the techs would walk past me - sitting outside with friends or plunking the piano keys in the lobby - to make sure that my low heart rate wasn't an indicator that I was passed out on the floor. I really did feel sorry for the disheveled looking guy when my battery pack died.

*I avoided the green jello. Nuclear green jello.

*I can be aware of and NOT EAT a small bag of Peanut M&Ms for three days before the bag is ripped open. Personally - I was impressed.

Thank you again to All - I am forever and eternally grateful.
With love,
Marit