The list of 109

Today hot yoga was, well, hot. Like 109-degrees hot. And though I focused on my breathing, stomach, posture, and form, the little voice in the back of my head was making mental notes.

And here’s what she came up with:

109 Things about Hot Yoga:

1) Drink LOTS beforehand.
2) Beverages should be of the non-alcoholic sort.
3) Water in the room is a must.
4) An icy water bottle works even better: half way through when your face is flushed and you think you won’t survive, the somewhat medium-cool-tepid-about-to-turn-luke-cold-bottle feels really good against the back of your neck.
5) Individuals experiencing hot flashes be warned! The class is ONE GIANT Hot Flash (or at least what I would imagine a hot flash being like).
6) Do not consume strawberries and light vanilla soymilk beforehand. Trust me. When it comes time for the Lotus pose, it gets really really ugly.
7) Yoga mat is a must.
8) But the non-sticky kind work better.
9) One towel is good. Two are better.

10) Throw in two hand towels (to aid in poses and to wipe the sweat off your face) and you’re good to go.
11) Make sure to spritz your towel and mat down with water spray before class begins.
12) Otherwise during your first Downward Dog of the class, you’ll find your hands slipping forwards. You MAY end up on your stomach, making a very big non-yoga-appropriate THUNK. Not that this happened… But I’m just saying.
13) Wear as little clothing as possible.
14) But don’t be inappropriate. (I swear someone was wearing just a bra and undies, but I wasn’t close enough to tell)
15) Oops – yoga is non judgmental. Who cares what people wear?
16) Seriously! Just no underwear, okay? I don’t want to see anything popping out as I’m moving from my Chatteronga to my Upward Dog.
17) How DO you spell Chotteronga?
18) I think this is what Kona feels like…?
19) But I’ve never been there, so I wouldn’t know.

20) But I WANT to go there…someday. 
21) Really, do NOT eat strawberries and soy milk before class.
22) If I hold in my gas, how long can I go before my stomach explodes?
23) If I fart, can people tell it was me?
24) Oh shoot, the teacher just walked behind me.
25) HOLD IT IN!
26) Good feeling gone. Breathing is now necessary for survival.
27) And preventing ugly-stomach-explosion.
28) Its hot.
29) And getting hotter!

30) The bike knickers were NOT a good call.
31) Especially since they’re insulated.
32) Do I really need insulated bike tights in California?
33) Suddenly stripping down to undies doesn’t seem all that bad of an idea.
34) Too bad I’m commando under the knickers.
35) It only took me 3 years of biking to “figure out” that one does NOT wear underwear under bike shorts.
36) Stupid bike knickers.
37) But they’re helping me keep my stomach in.
38) From the side angle I look pretty good!
39) I think the heat is getting to my brain.

40) Time for something to drink – after the next round of poses!
41) Maybe while I lean forward, I can angle my head so that the faucet of sweat that drips off my nose, can at least get close to my mouth. Salty – yes!
42) Yuck. What have I stooped to?
43) Time to lean back and see how flexible my back is.
44) Suck in the stomach. Tighten the glutes. Pelvis forward.
45) I’m doing it!
46) Uh-oh.
47) Will I be able to bend back up?
48) Hold in the gas, hold in the gas, hold in the gas…
49) Bloody Hell!

50) Now Mr. Bendy Instructor is helping me in my pose. He’s telling me to LET GO! And LEAN BACK! If he only knew… If I don’t completely collapse on him, I may fart in his proximity.
51) HOLD HOLD HOLD. (in more ways than one)
52) Do I get extra points for taking out the instructor?
53) Obviously grace is not one of my attributes.
54) Nor is flexibility.
55) Phew! He’s safe.
56) So am I.
57) But my Gastrointestinal tract isn’t.
58) Oh good! Time for more balance.
59) Except for the part about holding onto sweaty limbs.

60) Balance + sweaty feet = inability to hold pose without a)shaking b)dripping sweat in a constant flow c) falling over in un-yoga-ish manner.
61) Underwear people are the BEST at these things.
62) But I don’t think I could ever wear JUST underwear…some things are absolutely a no-go.
63) I think I have an abnormally high sweat rate.
64) Besides, underpants and sweat are a bad combination. It becomes see-through.
65) Don’t stare at underwear girl!
66) Remember: non judgmental!
67) I can’t stop sweating! Bloody Hell!!
68) I think this IS what H-E-L-L feels like. Okay, okay – a bit of an exaggeration. But when you’re laying in your back with your legs over your head and your knees squeezing your ears – what else do you think of?
69) I have a new appreciation for women going through Menopause.

70) And individuals who are naturally gassy, WITHOUT consuming strawberries and soymilk before Hot Yoga.
71) I seriously thought soymilk would be okay. Really! No lactose! No stomach-curdling!!
72) Now I’m nauseated.
73) I will never eat strawberries and soymilk. EVER.
74) Which sucks, because I really like them.
75) Maybe just NEVER before class.
76) I can’t stop sweating. Gulf Coast Half has NOTHING on this. And I know, because I ran a half marathon in 93 degree sunshine with nearly 100% humidity. And I’ve never been the same since.
77) Would it be inappropriate to take in a salt tablet during class?
78) Perhaps not. I’ve already got “Triathlete” written all over me.
79) Nope – not the bike shorts, run tops, or Zoot apparel.

80) My inability to touch my toes at the start of every class is the dead giveaway. Holy Tight Hamstrings Batman!
81) Cute instructor is back! Suck in the stomach! Tighten the glutes! Look relaxed!
82) Ouch.
83) Do the Happy Baby Move
84) Am REALLY happy that I’m wearing knickers. Even with the shorts, too much would be revealed.
85) I wonder if the instructor ever wants to laugh while watching grown adults lay on their back, legs splayed up in the air, fingers grabbing their big toes, and rocking back and forth…
86) Do NOT start laughing.
87) No worries, as I’m more concerned about the passing of gas thing. It still hasn’t gone away. And this Happy Baby would be a LOT happier if the pressure would be released.
88) But the other Happy Babies all around wouldn’t like it so much.
89) Humbug.

90) And that goes for the gastrointestinal tract as well.
91) But with all this work, I’m getting MORE flexible! Hooray!
92) I can lay on my stomach with my hands under my hips, palms down and pinkies touching!
93) When would I EVER need to do this?
94) Too bad my glutes aren’t as flexible as the elbows.
95) Is it even possible though? Aren’t the glutes a muscle and the elbows a joint?
96) Uh oh. SHOULD I even be physically able to lay on my stomach with my hands under my hips, palms down and pinkies touching?
97) Ah. There IS a reason. I’m now supposed to lean forward and kick, er, LIFT both legs off the ground.
98) Ha ha ha ha ha. That was funny.
99) HOLD IT IN!

100) Major sweatage going on here. It has now pooled around my soaked towels and yoga mat.
101) My fingers and toes are wrinkly.
102) And my towel makes a squishing noise when I step on it.
103) Only a few minutes left – I can ALMOST taste the cool air.
104) Funny breathing exercises. If the hot classroom wasn’t enough, now we have to breathe Lamaze style.
105) I got through yoga without passing out. I WILL be able to make it through the breathing exercises without passing out.
106) Cho-cho-cho-cho-cho-cho-cho-cho-cho (Lamaze breathing).
107) How much longer? Stay conscious stay conscious say conscious…
108) I can feel the cool air as the door opens!
109) Hooray, I MADE it!

And that was my night. Sort of. I may have left a few things out – but you get a general idea. I wonder if I look like I’m thinking these things. Hopefully not – my face would be scrunched up and I would probably start laughing. And once I start, I’ve got a hard time stopping.

Kind of like with Hot Yoga. Now that I’ve started, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. Besides, I need to see if I can do the palms under the body trick AND get both legs off the ground. Patience and perseverance, I tell you – that should do the trick. Oh, and throw in a good sense of humor as well. I can’t lose. When I can’t do the poses at least I’ll have fun by laughing at myself. And that should count for something, right?