Just when...

...I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. Mother Nature has a very funny way of throwing us curve balls (and no - I am absolutely NOT pregnant). Just when I thought the tides had turned, the winds had changed, that I was standing on the dawn of a new day (can you see the sun rise? The wind flowing through my chemically-altered hair...? Hear the swelling of violins?)-

Things changed.

My new diagnosis: Pneumonia.

I wish I was kidding - but sadly, I'm not.

I've spent the past day searching for The Why. Trying to figure out what happened - and when. And Jen and Elizabeth have both been fantastic along the way. So too were my folks and Nathaniel (but that goes without being said. But it should be said - because I'm very lucky to have them in my life).

Why?

Why is this happening to me?

I don't want to throw a pity party - and I try to refrain from doing stuff like that...because there's not much I can do. But this is beyond training and racing. This is affecting my Quality of Life, overall health and happiness. Something so trivial as racing is at the very back of my mind at the point (where it should be).

I want my health back. Everything else will be icing on the cake.

Could it go back to Kona? Before Hawaii?? Or was it the recovery afterwards? Was it sinus infection #1 or #4?? Or the January cough that felt awful but (according to my then-but-now-about-to-be-fired doctor) didn't need an X-Ray because it "didn't sound that bad"? Perhaps the dumbfuck (and I get to say that because its my blog and I'm frustrated) that SHOWED UP TO TUESDAY TRACK WITH BRONCHITIS...?

(Newsflash: IF YOU'RE SICK AND ARE COUGHING UP PHLEGM, WERE JUST DIAGNOSED BY A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL WITH BRONCHITIS, HAVE JUST TAKEN YOUR FIRST ANTIBIOTIC AND ARE STILL CONTAGIOUS, DO NOT EXPOSE OTHER PEOPLE TO YOUR GERMS AND PERSONAL IDIOCY. YOU ARE JUST BEING SELFISH.)

Sorry about that.

Actually - not really. Again...its MY blog. And I get to rant.

But seriously - where's the line? Where's the rush to train through illness? Is it REALLY helping? Think about it asshole and then get back to me.

When I started coughing last Thursday, I thought it was sinus drainage (the possible culprit in my January cough - again...according to my newly-minted-ex-doctor). Friday was about the same...and then I skipped Saturday's Masters swim because it just didn't feel "right". I was tired and didn't think the intensity would do me good. I substituted the hike instead - and didn't regret it for a moment.

The day was beautiful, time with Nathaniel was extraordinary, and being outside in the greenness of Southern California was priceless. No regrets.

As for the Orchestral Performance - I loved it! It was fantastic - and I am SO happy about playing the violin. That being said - I feel awful about exposing people to my germs. Had I know what was really going on, there is NO WAY I would have performed. Also... I may have peed a little trying to suppress my cough during one of the pieces. But no major harm done...I was sucking on cough suppressants and sipping Robitussin during intermission.

But I did learn that - I can hold in a MAJOR cough - extremely well.

Sunday night was rough: I thought about going in to the Emergency Room...but figured I would call my doctor in the morning first thing. And naturally - every other sick-person-over-the-weekend was also calling. First thing. Long story short: there were no appointments available until Wednesday, and given my lack of sleep, cough, congestion, and rapidly-diminishing mood - that was unacceptable.

And instead of heading to Camp Pendleton's Naval Hospital - where during my last ER visit I waited 5 hours before being seen (don't ask) - I headed to Scripps Hospital (same place where I went post-bike crash. I figured they did a SUPER job fixing me once, they could probably do a better job than anything that I've already gotten. Sorry - another rant. Its the pneumonia... I swear that I can't help it). They were GREAT. The doctors and nurses were completely understanding, didn't make me feel like I was crazy for having the symptoms that I had, and confirmed something was very wrong.

And then they gave me the necessary tools to fix the pneumonia.

Still - there's the undercurrent of Something Else That's Not Right going on. Four sinus infections + 1 suspect January cough + 1 sinus surgery + 1 Pneumonia since late October...Wow. That's just...well....wow. Not right.

But that's long term focus. Short term - squash the pneumonia. And take steps to fix Long Term Issues. Finding a new doctor is a start. From there - we'll see. I'm open to just about anything at this point. The part that makes me sad - is I miss training. I miss that great run feeling. Feeling STRONG in the pool. And like I've got that extra gear on the bike.

I miss feeling like me.

But I also need to be grateful for what I've got...

I've got a fantastic family and network of friends. My social network is incredible - and I'm grateful to everyone. Even if we've never met - thank you for taking the time to share this Journey with me. And for Those who are going through struggles of their own - you are not alone. Life isn't easy. And we can't always control what happens... But know that you are not alone.

And a bag of Peanut M&Ms never hurt.

I'm so happy to be playing the violin again - and in a professional orchestra, no doubt! It is fantastic... and I'm already exploring other facets of music that I would like to pursue in the near future.

I feel like I've reached a great balance. That things in my life are all coming together - that I've managed to unravel my Knot, picking apart the various threads and "stuff" is falling into place. Except for that pesky health thread.

So...with that being said (and with some help from Saturday's hike pictures - because those were some really happy moments for us)...

The Road may be long and uphill at times...

With some curves thrown in for good measure...

Undoubtedly there will be bumps along the way...

Some rough, prickly bits as well...

And the destination may seem very far away...

But I've got the best friend (and fantastic support system) EVER...

And I know that through it all, lessons will be learned, I'll discover more about myself, and things eventually will work out. They just may take a little more time than I initially thought... And that's okay. Because as long as I can keep my eye on the prize (health!) and the many wonderful things going on in my life - I'll be happy.Sideways-glasses and all.

If anyone has ANY ideas, suggestions, or advice. Bring it. I may or may not have headed to an homeopathic vitamin store (casually mentioned to me by a sympathetic nurse) - but that's a different post. For now its (more) pain meds, antibiotics, and the Will To Survive.

Everything else is just icing my friends, icing.