The Block

Lately, I’ve had a case of “The Block”.

Writer’s block. Mental block. Nesting block. Physical block. Weather block. Emotional block. Questions block. Athlete’s block.

And yes, even Kitty block.

Last weekend was spent worrying about Gimpy Kitty. Aka Anabelle. Aka Nietzsche (Nathaniel’s new nickname for Anabelle. He insists that what doesn’t “break” the kitty, will “make her stronger). Worrying and wondering. As in are we going to adopt her or not...?

While holding her for 20 minutes last Saturday morning, Nate did refer to her as “Meat Puppet” once or twice. Before tearing up and claiming that his allergies were “acting up.”

The boy didn’t have me fooled: he’s in love with Anabelle/Gimpy Kitty/Meat Puppet/Nietzsche. And he’s agreed to let me adopt her.

In his words, “Maybe the House Monster could learn a thing or two from this kitty…” And then he finished by declaring, “Wouldn’t it be great to have a normal cat? One that doesn’t attack us or our friends?”

For the record, Anabelle enjoyed the male attention and wiggled – along with her two casted legs – in his arms.

So yes, we ARE adopting Gimpty Kitty. Pictures are on the way tomorrow after my visit. I promise.

But this brings about another, more serious question. Am I ready to be a mother of two cats? And a gimpy one at that?? This kitty has some serious special needs – and while I DO want to take care of her, love her with all of my heart, and help give her the best life possible, I’m terrified of introducing her into the volatile environment.

Because we have, as you are all aware, a House Monster of our very own.

And Tabbitha doesn’t like anything with a heart beat (except me). She tolerates The Husband. And attacks everything else.

But the vet clinic has agreed to help us out in any way, and that included giving me lots of instructions on how to care for AND introduce two cats to each other.

So it appears that my Kitty Block has finally been solved.

Until Thursday, when Anabelle comes home for the first time. That should be interesting, to say the least.

As for the other “blocks”, it seems that I’ve entered a new phase in my recovery. I’m finding it increasingly daunting to return to the athlete that I once was. There are days where I feel (for lack of better words) “flashes of brilliance”.

Swimming feels natural (and is not interrupted by inclement weather), the bike and I are one, and my run reminds me of my old self.

Then there are other days where the frustration is great, where the doubt grows with each kick, pedal stroke, or stride, and I question my ability to compete at the level that I was once at. It is times like these that I want to hide under the covers, a good book by my side, a House Monster to keep me company, and a bag of Peanut M&Ms to munch on throughout the day.

Luckily, this has only happened once.

The Peanut M&M part.

But the hiding under the covers with book and House Monster – that has occurred on more than one occasion.

And while I don’t want to deny this part of my recovery – as this is very real to me – I also feel that a part of me is being slightly irrational. I know I should focus on the good, be grateful for the opportunity to run in the first pace. For Pete’s Sake – be grateful for the fact that I don’t need a catheter to void my bladder. Ahem.

And there is never a day that I don’t recall my scary spinal doctor telling me “you will probably need to use a back brace for the rest of your life…probably need to use a catheter indefinitely…”

That moment will forever be seared to my memory.

But at the same time, I look back at the past 14 weeks in amazement. I have come so far, overcoming such incredible challenges. And the feelings that I have now are only natural. It is as though I am mourning the athlete I once was.

But walking is a gift. Running is Christmas Morning at every step. Same holds true for swimming and biking.

But it is still challenging.

So my current “block” about doubt and insecurity is something that I carry with me when I swim, bike, and run. It is not a fun burden, but at least I recognize what it is and why I’m doing it.

I just need to get over my block and keep on keeping on. Cliché, I know. But as I’m stumbling forward throughout this process, I need to hold on to whatever works. Cliché or not.

So House Monster by my side, Nathaniel cooking a great dinner of Lentil Stew with carrots, tomatoes, onions and spinach (thanks RR!), and the promise of a new Meat Puppet to arrive on Thursday, I press on.

I know that not every day will be easy. But each day that passes is one more for the recovery part of my journey. And now, I’ve got another member of my immediate family to cheer me on.