The back and forth of it all

It seems that so much and yet so little has been swirling around my head in these past few weeks. In the final few weeks, errr, days of preparation before Ironman Hawaii, I'm still trying my darnedest to figure things out and to process everything.

And while I am absolutely grateful for this opportunity to race on The Big Island, grateful for a second shot in the sport when - during parts of last year I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to set foot on a triathlon course again, let alone think about swim-bike-run, grateful that I have the ability to actually DO this - I am experiencing many challenging ups and downs.

There are times when I am BEYOND EXCITED!!!!

The prospect of being on Hawaii, swimming with turtles, celebrating the fact that I'm racing in Kona, seeing old friends and making new ones, praying to Pele and the Hawaiian Gods (yes I will appease them to the best of my ability), sipping coffee on the lanai while looking out at the WARM ocean...well... I can't wait.

Then there are other times where I feel beyond overwhelmed. Like.. can I even do this? Have I done enough? Have I done too much? The constant fatigue...that's normal...right? Am I mentally able to stay STRONG for another Ironman...because I know how hard I worked for that first one a few short months ago. Can I do this...again?

Rationally, I KNOW that I've got the best coach around and that I 100% trust Jennifer Harrison. Rationally, I KNOW that I've gone the distance before and that I can do it again (knock on wood). Rationally I KNOW that I'm training for an Ironman, so there WILL be fatigue. Not only that - I'm training for TWO Ironmans...so there will most definitely be fatigue. Rationally...I KNOW that I can do this - because deep down I know what it takes and I BELIVE in myself, the training, and my coach.

But at the end of the day, I still see myself in the mirror and I still question.

These past few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. I've gotten the chance to speak with many many triathletes training for Kona - and the resounding responses that I get from the majority are, "Yes, I've had a few breakdowns...yes, I've stopped in the middle of workouts...yes, I feel neurotic at times...yes, I'm tired, hungry, and cranky, and my loved ones have to put up with me...yes, I just want the race to get here and be DONE...yes, I can't wait until its all over."

So the big question, then: why do we do it?

If its this difficult, then why bother in the first place?

I'll admit that when I get really stressed out, I find the only way to get through my work/day/workout is to step outside of myself, almost as though I'm looking at myself from another person's perspective. Detach and observe from a distance...

If I can view what I'm doing from somewhere else - then it doesn't seem so bad. My responses (when viewed almost outside my body) to workouts, fatigue, stress all seem normal. And I'm much more kinder and more understand to myself when things get rough, when a workout is hard, or even...if the cat box is full and stinks and I just don't feel like scooping the poop.

Because who really wants to scoop poop? But I digress...

The other night when I told my Mom about how I was handling the stress, she sounded really really worried. She explained about how some people who survive traumatic events (ie abuse, rape, neglect, war, highly highly stressful situations/environments), how they oftentimes detach from their situation in order to survive.

Now I'm not implying by ANY MEANS that I've got it bad. Relatively speaking - life has been humming along pretty darned tootin' good. Except for this Ironman Monster in the back of my head. So yes, the stress and subsequent detatchment is self-imposed.

But at the end of the day, I keep returning to the 'Why?' question.

In the past when someone has asked me why I do the sport, why I push myself, why I compete - I've always explained that I learn the MOST about myself through training and competition. Most of it has been really good. Lately, though, I've had a few tough lessons. But I'm NOT complaining...not one bit. Because had I not ventured down this road, I never would have figured these things out in the first place.

At the end of the day, I do the sport because I love the training, I really enjoy the people, I love the satisfaction at the end of a tough workout, and I love to compete. Somewhere in this pre-Kona-Ironman stress, I've lost sight of some of that...instead focusing on the Big Scary Unknown Ironman Monster. And its been tough.

But I was reminded the other day, very unexpectedly. While channel surfing one evening, an old broadcast of Ironman Hawaii was aired. The race wasn't what caught my attention. Rather, it was the emotions, the tears, the joy, the happiness at the finish line. Before I realized it, I found myself shedding tears and crying while watching people cross that famed finish line. And I knew then that I HAD to do this race, I had to stick to my plan, had to follow through until the very end.

At the end of the day - is Ironman for me?

That's a tough question. Coeur d'Alene was amazing and I would NEVER take back that experience, not in a million years or for a zillion Kona slots. But training for Kona has been different. And I'm not sure if that's because 1) I'm nearing the end of my season 2) The distance is still scary 3) Its KONA 4) I miss my short course speed and race schedule 5) the stress has not been easy.

There are a few things that I DO know.

I know that I'm ready, even if I'm tired. I know that when push comes to shove, when the voice in the back of my head whispers about doubt and failure, that I'll have a response and be ready to push harder. I know that I'm GRATEFUL that I'm not a professional - because this race is FUN, its about celebrating the fact that I got there and went through some tough times in order to do so. And I know that I'm ready to give it my all, even if the training hasn't been easy.

Because good things in life rarely are.

To everyone racing towards the end of their season, all I can say is Hang in there - you are NOT alone. And you're doing GREAT. It may not be easy, pleasant, or even fun at times...but thing about the finish, think about the good, think about why we do this sport in the first place.

And if that doesn't help - think about the beer and pizza at the end.

I know that I already am.