Pre-appointment jitters

For the first time in memory, I'm too nervous to write. And that, my friends, is huge.

And no, no race, nothing earth shattering, Nathaniel isn't flying a dangerous mission, and in spite of a slightly messy apartment - I'm not worked up that my Mom is arriving tomorrow afternoon...

Tomorrow morning at 8:30 am, I meet with my doctor to determine if I can get in the water.

Bugger.

Bloody Hell.

A race, sure I'm nervous beforehand, but it's something I can cotrol (at least I can control myself... not the other people around me, though).

Hard workout? Piece of cake.

Heck - give me a double or triple workout day, and I may be nervous, but I'll get it done.

But tomorrow, I relenquish all control to my doctor. If he gives me the "thumbs up" then I'll be back in the water. But if not, then it's back to the track, back to the wooded trails.

I want more than ever to be cleared to swim. But I know deep down that I've only got a 50-50 chance. If my swimming was determined on my heart, then without a doubt I would be cleared to swim. But it's not. It's about the back, about how my scar is healing.

And completely out of my hands.

Though my heart is pure and steady, my attitude has been more positive than negative, and I've managed to keep a good chunk of my sense of humor - I can't help but feel a little helpless, a bit powerless at tomorrow's appointment.

But if it doesen't work out, well, yes I'll be upset and sad. I can't lie about that. But another part of me will be okay with it - because I'm doing the right thing, taking things one step at a time.

I have recieved so much support over these past few weeks, and especially over these past few days. Sad, woeful tales of fellow athletes who rushed their recovery, who attempted to restart their programs without fully healing. And I am grateful to those who have shared their stories with me. It means so much - that you wish for me to not make the same mistakes. Thank YOU!

Tomorrow is out of my hands. I have done everything I can to heal, to watch my scar, to listen to my body. And I'll have to listen to my doctor, whatever he says.

Sheesh - who ever though I would be begging for a hard workout or tough race. At least with those, I can control what I do, how I react, how I race.

No matter what happens, though, I'll still be grateful that I'm recovering so well. Today I went on an hour long trail walk through the woods, and actually had time to enjoy the quiet woods, to revel in Mother Nature's beauty. I enjoyed the challenge of climbing over the mountain bike obstacles, of bird watching, and of listening to the leaves as they crunched under my feet. I could stand to enjoy a few more walks like that.

Besides, tomorrow my Mom is arriving, and I can't wait. No matter what the doc says, it's bound to be a good day. Swimming or not. (Fingers crossed for the pool, though!)

*update will be published as soon as I return from the appointment.