Sunday, March 23, 2008

Blasted Speed Bump Sh*t (BS BS)

Dear California Parking Lot Speed Bump Association:

My name is Marit Chrislock-Lauterbach. I am an elite triathlete, and have a high pain threshold. Until today, when I encountered NO LESS THAN 35 SPEED BUMPS IN 2 PARKING LOTS! Here is my story.

5 days ago, I underwent back surgery to repair my S-1, or a broken Sacral bone and severe nerve damage in my spine. After a record recovery, I was released from the hospital a mere 4 days after my surgery. All things being equal, my doctors, nurses, and the medical community in general was impressed with my recovery.

Today, in an effort to bring some semblance of normalcy to my life, my loving husband of nearly 5 years and I headed out to the local grocery store, in effort to pick up a few delectable goodies for our prolongued stay in California. Strawberries, Greek yogurt (thanks Liz!), peanut butter, fiber-enriched bread, red peppers, sushi, and leftover Easter candy (giant Peanut Butter Bunnies!) were on our list.

Spirits were high as we drove smoothly along the beautiful California road towards the grocery store.

However, the mood within our rented Toyota Corolla changed for the worse the minute Nathaniel and I entered the parking lot of the VONS.

After crossing over 10 speed bumps in our FIRST parking lot, we backtracked OUT of the lot, disgusted by the incredibly high numbers of speed bumps. Unfortunately on our way OUT, we hit THE SAME 10 THAT WE WENT OVER ON THE WAY IN.

Both passengers in our car were disgruntled, unhappy, and slightly worse for the wear. Me - the back surgery patient - worse off than my unhappy husband. WE had simply had enough. Then and there, we decided that VONS - inspite of their wonderful sheet cake - would not get our buisness.

First grocery store down.

A few blocks up one of the Carmel Roadways (it could have been Carmel Creek, Carmel Drive, or Carmel Roadway - who knows. It sounded delicious), we encounted another small shopping center, which to our delight, included a Ralphs, along with a few quaint restaurants, a movie theatre, a chocoletier, Einsteins, Barnes & Noble, and a few other stores.

AND, unfortunateley, and ENDLESS AMOUNT OF SPEEDBUMPS.

There were so many, Nathaniel and I lost count. We hit at least 7 in on the way to the grocery store. And the same number on the way out. At least.

All I know, is that somewhere along the way, I felt a tug and pull in my lower back, let out a few zingers of curse words (Bloody Effing Hell! Being the tamest of the bunch), and experienced a slight tear in my recent closed up stitches.

And all from the speed bumps in the parking lot.

Fact: Nathaniel was going no more than 1 mph over the speed bumps

Fact: Marit was unhappy after 5 bumps. Imagine how she felt after 20. 30. 35...

Fact: When Marit is unhappy, Nathaniel is unhappy.

Fact: California parking lots DO NOT NEED 10 SPEED BUMPS PER STORE. AND IF SO, DRIVERS NEED TO BE RE-EDUCATED. PARKING AND SPEED ENFORCEMENT SHOULD BE PUT IN PLACE OF THE ZILLIONS OF SPEED BUMPS. PARKING LOTS IN CA SHOULD COME WITH A WARNING FOR PEOPLE WHO RECENTLY UNDERWENT ANY KIND OF SURGERY.

Fact: Marit and Nathaniel will NOT be shopping at stores that have more than 5 speed bumps in their parking lot.

We - and my doctors - would appreciete any help or suggestions you could make in order to solve this problem. The number of speed bumps are out of control. And, quite frankly, it shocks me, after all - there are Plastic Surgery Centers on nearly every other corner. One would think that for the amount of plastic surgery, the gazillions of patients would complain. Let's be honest: stitches for back surgery can't be all that different from stitched from a boob job, right?

And, torn stitches are still torn stitches, both ways you look at it.

Anything you could to to remedy this problem would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your time and attention to this matter,

Marit Chrislock-Lauterbach

4 comments:

Pedergraham said...

Marit:
I totally hear you. The loooongest drive in my life was when I was in college in Southern Californai and fractured my T7 (doing handstands and being clumsy) and my friends Miles drove me to the hospital. He said afterwards that he didn't know there were that many swear words in the English language... I told him I made up one for each speed bump! Up here in Vermont, we don't need speed bumps because we have pot holes that are big enough to swallow your entire Toyota Corolla!
I hope that stitch is okay...and that you got your peanut butter bunnies!
-Danielle

Kellye Mills said...

You are so funny!! I'm so glad that you're out of the hospital, doing well, and still the cute Marit we all know and love!

I've been out of commission this week as well. Any free time I've had I've been a good girl and dedicated to my training or kids, so I will give you a call today or tomorrow.

Tell Nathaniel we said hi and we think he's a super hubby!! And from now on, pull in the parking lot, park IMMEDIATELY, and then walk into the store! :)

Brooke Myers said...

How do you manage keeping such great spirits within you and enough to even share with the rest of us. You must be good with handling a stinky situation and seriously finding the best from it...
From your booty pain you find humor and give us a good laugh!

I am so happy you are doing well though..

Mira Lelovic said...

I can relate. Yes, speed bumps, any bumps, bumps that really aren't bumps any other day of year, all really hurt post-op! In case no one has asked you lately, how's your pain on a scale of 1 to 10? When was your last BM? How many times were you asked those questions? I hope the answers are 0 and 2 minutes ago!